Mary: Mercy House is a place that deals with all kinds of problems, like drug addiction and alcoholism to de-gayification and unwed mothers.

Pastor Skip: Let’s get our Christ on, let’s kick it Jesus-style!

Hilary Faye: Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you.
Mary: You don’t know the first thing about love.
Hilary Faye: (throws a Bible at Mary) I am filled with Christ’s love! You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.
Mary: (Mary holds up the Bible) This is not a weapon! You idiot.

Mary: Does it ever bother you that he can’t walk?
Cassandra: He can’t walk?

Roland: Are you okay?
Hilary Faye: No, Roland… I crashed my van into Jesus! Okay? I have a pimple the size of Jupiter! I am NOT okay! This is not how I wanted to remember my Prom. This is not how I wanted to remember my life.
Roland: Well maybe we can fix it… with some glue, or something.

Hilary Faye: I mean you’re not born a gay, you’re born again!

Patrick: Mary, you want to go out sometime?
Mary: What? Are you going to take me out on your “scooter”?
Patrick: Come on, I’m like, totally adorable, besides, it would drive Hilary Faye crazy.
Mary: I can’t. I’m… not dating right now.
Patrick: What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?

Cassandra: Are you playing footsies with me?
Roland: Wheelies.

Hilary Faye: You know, secondhand smoke kills.
Cassandra: I’m counting on it.

Cassandra: He kicked me out! And it was the one time I didn’t do anything!

Lillian: I keep trying to remind myself that when Jesus closes a door he opens a window.
Mary: Yeah, so we have something to jump out of.

Tia: Stop being so stingy!
Hilary Faye: What? They’re my Valentine’s day chocolates.
Tia: Hilary Faye, you bought them for yourself so it doesn’t count.

Cassandra: There’s only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood.
Roland: She’s planting a pipe bomb?
Cassandra: Okay, two reasons.

Cassandra: [Patrick is wearing a loincloth, acting as Jesus dying in a play] Now that’s what I call being hung on a cross.

Roland: You have everything, Hillary Faye. What are you afraid of?

Cassandra: So, Patrick asked you out and you turned him down? The boy is a tomcat, even if he is a big JC freak. And – double plus bonus – I’m pretty sure he’s not a ‘mo.
Mary: He’s Pastor Skip’s son, and I’m about to pop a baby out.
Cassandra: I should tell Patrick to act gay around you, maybe then he’ll get a little action.

Mary: Dean! What are you doing here?
Dean: I’m going to my Prom.
Mary: Mercy House let you guys take the van?
Dean: Well no not really, we sort of led a rebellion and swiped it. You’re pregnant?
Mary: I wanted to tell you…
Dean: Our first time? That’s so awesome.

Hilary Faye: Want to get something to eat with us?
Patrick: We’re going to DQ.
Cassandra: Why? So we can watch Hilary Faye try to get into your Easter basket? No thanks.

Hilary Faye: You better be wearing underwear this time.

Cassandra: Hey Roland. Wanna get outta here and you can take me for a spin on that thing… RELEASE HIS PARKING BRAKE HILARY FAYE!

Mary: So everything that doesn’t fit into some stupid idea of what you think God wants you just try to hide or fix or get rid of? It’s just all too much to live up to. No one fits in one hundred percent of the time. Not even you.
Pastor Skip: I know that, Mary.
Dean: I know in my heart that Jesus still loves me.
Mary: Why would God make us all so different if he wanted us to be the same?

Mary: I’m having a girl.
Cassandra: (looking at Mary’s ultrasound) Are you sure you’re not having a sea monkey?

Hilary Faye: Hey Cass! How do you feel?
Cassandra: Oh, I’m a whole new girl Hay-Faye.
Hilary Faye: I TOLD YOU! How great is Jesus?
Cassandra: Yeah, um, about that… I’ve decided to devote my life to Satan instead. Thanks though!

Veronica: Roland is so blessed to have such a thoughtful sister. You know, in countries like China, Hilary Faye would probably have been killed at birth.
Hilary Faye: And then where would you be, Roland?
Roland: China.

Pastor Skip: I think the Christian thing to do would be to let them stay.
Hilary Faye: The Christian thing to do? I have been doing the CHRISTIAN THING my whole life! I did not have sex with a gay and try to blame it on Jesus!
Mary: Hilary Faye…
Hilary Faye: Oh, shut up, you fornicator!