Malcolm: I am convinced he’s hiding something.
Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little lost and confused, but deep down he’s an all-american, red-blooded male, just like yourself.
Viola: [walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women’s butts look smaller… and to make it harder for them to runaway.
Principal Gold: Malcolm, have you ever tried to run away in high heels?
Malcolm: No, sir, I…
Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy…
Viola: What does your heart tell you?
Viola: I mean… which one would you rather see NAKED?
Roger (after Viola lifts her shirt): Is it me or does this soccer game have more nudity than most?
Andrew: Well hey there pretty lady.
Monique: Ew! What… are you hitting on me?
Andrew: I was just…
Monique: “I was just… nyuh”. Okay, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours.
Duke: Hey… hey, why do you have tampons in your boot?
Viola: Uhh… I get really bad nosebleeds.
Andrew: So you stick them up your nose?
Viola: Yeah. What? You… you’ve never done that? Oh my god, Beckham does it all the time.
Viola: Yes. Look. Got to show you how to do it. You take that off, and whatever that is, and you stick it right in. It absorbs right up.
Cheryl: But why? He’s so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
Viola: Then why don’t you date him, mom?
Cheryl: …Oh no, I couldn’t.
Duke: What’re you gonna do, drown me in your tears?
Justin: I did not cry during that game. I had something in my eye.
Viola (as Sebastian, talking about herself): No man… if you wanna kiss her… You go right ahead and you kiss her! I mean, knock yourself out! You just take her… then kiss her. Then kiss the crap out of her!
Viola: [as Sebastian] Hi, Eunice. Sorry for running out on our date.
Eunice: It’s okay. My intensity scares some people.
Toby: She’s got a little somethin’ somethin’.
Andrew: Yeah… asthma and headgear.
Monique: Hello, Viola.
Viola: Oh, boy. This isn’t good.
Monique: And hello to you little… homewrecker.
Olivia: Uh, who are you?
Monique: I am Sebastian’s girlfriend.
Monique: Okay. Everyone’s gotta stop saying that.
Olivia: Oh. You’re the girl he dumped in the pizza parlor the other day.
Monique: He did not dump me. We’re just going through a rough patch.
Olivia: Really? ‘Cause I heard he dumped you. He dumped you good. It was like a big, huge dumping.
Viola (as Sebastian): So, uh, you play the beautiful game… bros… brothers… brethren?
Daphne: Nonsense! You don’t need a man to wear a beautiful dress!
Paul: But it sure does help.
Toby: How come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she’s cool? Screw you guys. I hate high school.
Justin: Could you be a girl for just five seconds?
Viola: Ok…(counting to five on her fingers) First of all it’s not a stupid soccer issue and… you’re a jerk. Oh look at that, (looks at open hand) time’s up. (slaps him in the face)
Justin: That’s right. Didn’t score on me last half won’t score on this half. I’m a ninja. Ninja Goalie.
Viola (as Sebastian): Quit blushing… that’s lame.
Duke: Shut up, I’m not blushing!
Duke: Um, uh, ok, so, should I ask her out?
Viola: No. You don’t want to freak her out; you’ve got to have a casual conversation first, hello?
Viola: Why do I get the feeling you don’t do this very often?
Duke: Man, I just, I’m not really good at talking to girls.
Viola: Why? You’re hot!
Viola: Ya know, you’re an appealing guy- man- guy- guy man.
Sebastian: Folks, I’m a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
(pulls down his soccer shorts, everyone sees his privates)
Olivia: You’re right.
Viola: I know.
Olivia: The next time I see Sebastian, I am gonna march right up to him…
Viola: You march.
Olivia: …I’m gonna tell him how I feel…
Viola: You tell him.
Olivia: …and then I’m going to kiss him so passionately…
Olivia: …that even the people he hates will feel pleasure.
Viola (as Sebastian): I can do this. I am a dude. I am a hunky dude! I’m a badass hunky dude!
Viola: I just can’t do this.
Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there’s a boy. Wait, that sounded wrong.
Duke: You know, it’s crazy how wrong you can be about a person. Just crazy. You think that they are one thing and then they turn out to be the exact opposite. You know what? Save it. We were supposed to be friends.
Viola: We are friends.
Duke: You don’t even know the meaning of the word.
Viola (as Sebastian): So what about the thing we talked about it… that you’re gonna do later?
Duke: What thing? I’m- I’m thingless.
Viola: What are you talking about? Why are you lying?
Justin: Viola! End of discussion.
Viola: Fine. End of relationship.
Justin: Baby, don’t be like that. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.
Viola: Aww. You are so full of…
Coach Pistonek: Back to practice.