Viola (as Sebastian): So what about the thing we talked about it… that you’re gonna do later?
Duke: What thing? I’m- I’m thingless.
Viola: What are you talking about? Why are you lying?
Justin: Viola! End of discussion.
Viola: Fine. End of relationship.
Justin: Baby, don’t be like that. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.
Viola: Aww. You are so full of…
Coach Pistonek: Back to practice.
Olivia: We could double. I’m sure Eunice is available.
Eunice: I am so there, it’s insane.
Malcolm: I am convinced he’s hiding something.
Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little lost and confused, but deep down he’s an all-american, red-blooded male, just like yourself.
Viola: [walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women’s butts look smaller… and to make it harder for them to runaway.
Principal Gold: Malcolm, have you ever tried to run away in high heels?
Malcolm: No, sir, I…
Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy…
Viola: What does your heart tell you?
Viola: I mean… which one would you rather see NAKED?
Roger (after Viola lifts her shirt): Is it me or does this soccer game have more nudity than most?
Andrew: Well hey there pretty lady.
Monique: Ew! What… are you hitting on me?
Andrew: I was just…
Monique: “I was just… nyuh”. Okay, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours.
Duke: Hey… hey, why do you have tampons in your boot?
Viola: Uhh… I get really bad nosebleeds.
Andrew: So you stick them up your nose?
Viola: Yeah. What? You… you’ve never done that? Oh my god, Beckham does it all the time.
Viola: Yes. Look. Got to show you how to do it. You take that off, and whatever that is, and you stick it right in. It absorbs right up.
Cheryl: But why? He’s so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
Viola: Then why don’t you date him, mom?
Cheryl: …Oh no, I couldn’t.
Duke: What’re you gonna do, drown me in your tears?
Justin: I did not cry during that game. I had something in my eye.
Viola (as Sebastian, talking about herself): No man… if you wanna kiss her… You go right ahead and you kiss her! I mean, knock yourself out! You just take her… then kiss her. Then kiss the crap out of her!
Viola: [as Sebastian] Hi, Eunice. Sorry for running out on our date.
Eunice: It’s okay. My intensity scares some people.
Toby: She’s got a little somethin’ somethin’.
Andrew: Yeah… asthma and headgear.
Monique: Hello, Viola.
Viola: Oh, boy. This isn’t good.
Monique: And hello to you little… homewrecker.
Olivia: Uh, who are you?
Monique: I am Sebastian’s girlfriend.
Monique: Okay. Everyone’s gotta stop saying that.
Olivia: Oh. You’re the girl he dumped in the pizza parlor the other day.
Monique: He did not dump me. We’re just going through a rough patch.
Olivia: Really? ‘Cause I heard he dumped you. He dumped you good. It was like a big, huge dumping.
Viola (as Sebastian): So, uh, you play the beautiful game… bros… brothers… brethren?
Daphne: Nonsense! You don’t need a man to wear a beautiful dress!
Paul: But it sure does help.
Toby: How come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she’s cool? Screw you guys. I hate high school.
Justin: Could you be a girl for just five seconds?
Viola: Ok…(counting to five on her fingers) First of all it’s not a stupid soccer issue and… you’re a jerk. Oh look at that, (looks at open hand) time’s up. (slaps him in the face)
Justin: That’s right. Didn’t score on me last half won’t score on this half. I’m a ninja. Ninja Goalie.
Viola (as Sebastian): Quit blushing… that’s lame.
Duke: Shut up, I’m not blushing!
Duke: Um, uh, ok, so, should I ask her out?
Viola: No. You don’t want to freak her out; you’ve got to have a casual conversation first, hello?
Viola: Why do I get the feeling you don’t do this very often?
Duke: Man, I just, I’m not really good at talking to girls.
Viola: Why? You’re hot!
Viola: Ya know, you’re an appealing guy- man- guy- guy man.
Sebastian: Folks, I’m a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
(pulls down his soccer shorts, everyone sees his privates)
Olivia: You’re right.
Viola: I know.
Olivia: The next time I see Sebastian, I am gonna march right up to him…
Viola: You march.
Olivia: …I’m gonna tell him how I feel…
Viola: You tell him.
Olivia: …and then I’m going to kiss him so passionately…
Olivia: …that even the people he hates will feel pleasure.
Viola (as Sebastian): I can do this. I am a dude. I am a hunky dude! I’m a badass hunky dude!
Viola: I just can’t do this.
Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there’s a boy. Wait, that sounded wrong.