Toby: How come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she’s cool? Screw you guys. I hate high school.

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Roger (after Viola lifts her shirt): Is it me or does this soccer game have more nudity than most?

Duke: Hey… hey, why do you have tampons in your boot?
Viola: Uhh… I get really bad nosebleeds.
Andrew: So you stick them up your nose?
Viola: Yeah. What? You… you’ve never done that? Oh my god, Beckham does it all the time.
Duke: Seriously?
Viola: Yes. Look. Got to show you how to do it. You take that off, and whatever that is, and you stick it right in. It absorbs right up.

Andrew: Well hey there pretty lady.
Monique: Ew! What… are you hitting on me?
Andrew: I was just…
Monique: “I was just… nyuh”. Okay, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours.

Duke: What’re you gonna do, drown me in your tears?
Justin: I did not cry during that game. I had something in my eye.

Cheryl: But why? He’s so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
Viola: Then why don’t you date him, mom?
Cheryl: …Oh no, I couldn’t.