Malcolm: I am convinced he’s hiding something.
Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little lost and confused, but deep down he’s an all-american, red-blooded male, just like yourself.
Viola: [walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women’s butts look smaller… and to make it harder for them to runaway.
Principal Gold: Malcolm, have you ever tried to run away in high heels?
Malcolm: No, sir, I…
Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy…

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Roger (after Viola lifts her shirt): Is it me or does this soccer game have more nudity than most?

Duke: Hey… hey, why do you have tampons in your boot?
Viola: Uhh… I get really bad nosebleeds.
Andrew: So you stick them up your nose?
Viola: Yeah. What? You… you’ve never done that? Oh my god, Beckham does it all the time.
Duke: Seriously?
Viola: Yes. Look. Got to show you how to do it. You take that off, and whatever that is, and you stick it right in. It absorbs right up.

Andrew: Well hey there pretty lady.
Monique: Ew! What… are you hitting on me?
Andrew: I was just…
Monique: “I was just… nyuh”. Okay, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours.

Duke: What’re you gonna do, drown me in your tears?
Justin: I did not cry during that game. I had something in my eye.

Cheryl: But why? He’s so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
Viola: Then why don’t you date him, mom?
Cheryl: …Oh no, I couldn’t.