Princess Fiona: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no.
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would’st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn’t… tst.
Princess Fiona: But… how will you kiss me?
Shrek: What? That wasn’t in the job description.
The Donkey: Maybe it’s a perk.
Gingerbread Man: No! Not the buttons! Not the gumdrop buttons!
Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.
Shrek: Well it’s no wonder you don’t have any friends.
The Donkey: Wow, only a true friend would be that truely honest.
Donkey: Don’t die, Shrek. And if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light.
Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Who’d wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh and it is lovely. You know, you’re really quite a decorator. It’s amazing what you’ve done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
The Donkey: C’mon, princess, you’re not that ugly. All right, you are ugly. But you’re only like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24/7.
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course.
Donkey: Please. I don’t wanna go back there. You don’t know what it’s like to be considered a freak… Well, maybe you do, but that’s why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!
Lord Farquaad: Now really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?
Donkey: This’ll be fun. We’ll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning… I’m making waffles.
Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right?
Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
Magic Mirror: Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy.
Little singing dolls:
Please keep off of the grass
wipe your shoes, wipe your… face
Dulac is, Dulac is,
Dulac is a peeeeerfeeeect plaaaaace!
Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin’.
Soldier: What have we here?
Old man: It’s a little wooden puppet.
Pinocchio: I’m not a puppet! I’m a real boy! (nose stretches)
Soldier: Ten shillings for the possessed toy. Take him away!
Lord Farquaad: Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Donkey: Wow, that was really scary, and if you don’t mind me saying, if that don’t work, your breath will certainly get the job done, ’cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something ’cause your breath stinks.
Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No.
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs.
Shrek: No. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions.
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns, blue flower, red thorns – this would be so much easier if I wasn’t color blind!
Donkey: I’ll find those stairs. I’ll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won’t know which way they’re going.
Shrek: That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do.
Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin’ pain in the neck, anyway?
Shrek: In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her.
Donkey: I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek.
Donkey: Don’t mess wit’ me. I’m the Stair Master. I’ve Mastered the Stairs. I wish I had a step right here, I could step here and here and here and step all over it.
Princess Fiona: You didn’t slay the dragon?
Shrek: It’s on my “to do” list. Now come on.
Princess Fiona: But this isn’t right. You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying-that’s what all the other knights did.
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
Donkey: Hi, princess.
Princess Fiona: It talks.
Shrek: Yeah, but it’s getting him to shut up that’s the trick.