So I Married an Axe Murderer


Stewart: Piper down! We have a piper down!

Stuart Mackenzie: Now go and kiss your mother or I’ll kick your teeth in!

May Mackenzie: Charlie, hand me the paper.
Charlie Mackenzie: Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News “the paper.” A paper contains facts.

Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it’s repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Charlie Mackenzie: Marry me.
Harriet: No.
Charlie Mackenzie: Please?

Harriet Michaels: What do you look for in a woman you date?
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I’d really have to go with breast size.

Stuart Mackenzie: Would ya look at the size of that kid’s head! It’s a virtual planetoid and it has it’s own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!

Stuart Mackenzie: I’m not kidding, that boy’s head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn’t it? He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.

Tony Giardino: Excuse me sir, I’m with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle!
Commandeered Driver: No.
Tony Giardino: What do you mean, “no”?
Commandeered Driver: I happen to know for a fact that you have no right to commandeer my vehicle.
Tony Giardino: Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?
Commandeered Driver: No.
Tony Giardino: You’re just not going to bend on this commandeering thing are you?
Commandeered Driver: No.

Stuart: Heed! Pants! Now!

Charlie: You know, what this room needs is a really big oversized poster of Atlantic City…oh wait, there’s one.

Stuart Mackenzie: Head! Paper! Now!

Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave for it nightly, smartass!

Stewart: (singing) If you think I’m sexy and you want my body, come on baby let me know.

Stewart Mackenzie: I love the Bay City Rollers!