Jeffrey Anderson: See, my – my theory is that all the characters are Hamlet: it’s all happening in Hamlet’s head. So you only need one actor.
Rose Schwartz: The guy was killed in an auto accident! I looked it up! He was driving in the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who’s an ex-con named Frances, when a tractor trailer comes along and decapitates him. You know what that mean, it means he doesn’t have a head. How am I suppose to write for a guy who doesn’t have a head? He’s got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?
Edwards: I would like to voice my strong concern about this show’s spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it’s been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That’s depressing and it’s expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word “peppy” and the word “cheap”. Peppy and cheap.
Rose Schwartz: Actors don’t like to play coma. They feel it limits their range.
Celeste Talbert: I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried… to love you the only way she knew how?
Lori Craven: I know that speech.
Celeste Talbert: You do?
Lori Craven: Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt’s blind nephew.
Betsy Faye Sharon: She came in yesterday. I don’t know who the hell she is. Her name is Naven, Maven, Slaven… Claven… there’s no agent.
David Barnes: Find her.
Betsy Faye Sharon: Well, what if she can’t act?
Burton White: That never stopped us before!
Edmund: She’s been through hell, and we’re her family. So in this crisis, we have to support her.
Edmund: We have to love her.
Edmund: We have to care about her.
Edmund: And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get.
Celeste Talbert: Even for an actor, you’re an egomaniac!
Rose Schwartz: You know, I’d think you were acting, but you’ve never been this good.
Jeffrey Anderson: One more date we would’ve had a Greek tragedy on our hands.