Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He’s my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What’s his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole too sir. Gunner’s mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes!
Lone Star: Call me idiot, not you captain – I mean, you know what I mean.
Dark Helmet: I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
Lone Star: So what does that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing.
Dot: That is my virgin alarm, it goes off before you do!
Yogurt: Agg ugg kaa kack ummph.
Lone Star: You can read it?
Yogurt: No, I am just clearing my throat.
Dark Helmet: Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
Col. Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow!
Col. Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?!
Dark Helmet: Yes, we’re gonna have to go right to…ludicrous speed!
Col. Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we’ve never gone that fast before. I don’t know if the ship can take it.
Dark Helmet: What’s the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
Spaceball Officer: You idiots! These are not them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!
Col. Sandurz: It’s Megamaid. She’s gone from suck to blow.
Princess Vespa: What are you?
Barf: I’m a Mog – half-man, half-dog. I’m my own best friend.
Dark Helmet: Yogurt! I hate Yogurt – especially with strawberries!
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!
Sandurz: Sir, you’re needed on the bridge.
Dark Helmet: Knock, next time! Knock! Did you see anything?
Sandurz: No sir. I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: What the Hell am I lookin’ at? When does this happen in the movie?
Sandurz: Now. Whatever you’re looking at now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: Well, what happened to then?
Sandurz: We just passed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: Well, go back to then.
Sandurz: We can’t.
Dark Jelmet: Why not?
Sandurz: We already passed it.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Star: Oh great. That’s all we needed, a Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn’t look Druish.
Dark Helmet: Boy, I bet she gives good helmet.
Spaceball: Sir, I’ve lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps.
Dark Helmet: That’s not all he’s lost.