Col. Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow!
Col. Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?!
Dark Helmet: Yes, we’re gonna have to go right to…ludicrous speed!
Col. Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we’ve never gone that fast before. I don’t know if the ship can take it.
Dark Helmet: What’s the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

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Spaceball: Sir, I’ve lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps.
Dark Helmet: That’s not all he’s lost.

Lonestar: Barf…Barf…Barf…

Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He’s my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What’s his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole too sir. Gunner’s mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes!

Lone Star: Call me idiot, not you captain – I mean, you know what I mean.

Dark Helmet: I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
Lone Star: So what does that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing.