Col. Sandurz: It’s Megamaid. She’s gone from suck to blow.

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Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He’s my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What’s his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole too sir. Gunner’s mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes!

Lone Star: Call me idiot, not you captain – I mean, you know what I mean.

Dark Helmet: I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
Lone Star: So what does that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing.

Dot: That is my virgin alarm, it goes off before you do!

Yogurt: Agg ugg kaa kack ummph.
Lone Star: You can read it?
Yogurt: No, I am just clearing my throat.