Col. Sandurz: It’s Megamaid. She’s gone from suck to blow.

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Dark Helmet: Boy, I bet she gives good helmet.

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Star: Oh great. That’s all we needed, a Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn’t look Druish.

Spaceball: Sir, I’ve lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps.
Dark Helmet: That’s not all he’s lost.

Lonestar: Barf…Barf…Barf…

Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He’s my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What’s his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole too sir. Gunner’s mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes!