Col. Sandurz: It’s Megamaid. She’s gone from suck to blow.

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Princess Vespa: What are you?
Barf: I’m a Mog – half-man, half-dog. I’m my own best friend.

Dark Helmet: Yogurt! I hate Yogurt – especially with strawberries!

Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!

Sandurz: Sir, you’re needed on the bridge.
Dark Helmet: Knock, next time! Knock! Did you see anything?
Sandurz: No sir. I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.

Dark Helmet: What the Hell am I lookin’ at? When does this happen in the movie?
Sandurz: Now. Whatever you’re looking at now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: Well, what happened to then?
Sandurz: We just passed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: Well, go back to then.
Sandurz: We can’t.
Dark Jelmet: Why not?
Sandurz: We already passed it.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Sandurz: Soon.