Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He’s my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What’s his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He’s an asshole too sir. Gunner’s mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes!

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Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!

Sandurz: Sir, you’re needed on the bridge.
Dark Helmet: Knock, next time! Knock! Did you see anything?
Sandurz: No sir. I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.

Dark Helmet: What the Hell am I lookin’ at? When does this happen in the movie?
Sandurz: Now. Whatever you’re looking at now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: Well, what happened to then?
Sandurz: We just passed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: Well, go back to then.
Sandurz: We can’t.
Dark Jelmet: Why not?
Sandurz: We already passed it.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Sandurz: Soon.

Dark Helmet: Boy, I bet she gives good helmet.

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Star: Oh great. That’s all we needed, a Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn’t look Druish.