The Jerk


Biker Chick: Gimme a bite of your corn dog!
Navin: What about germs?
Biker Chick: Put a rubber on it!

Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: “The Way We Were.”

Navin: Mama always knew how to treat me right. For my 18th birthday, she prepared my favorite meal… tuna fish on white bread with mayonnaise, a Tab, and a couple of Twinkies.

Driver: Saint Louis?
Navin: No, Navin Johnson.

Navin: You mean I’m going to stay this color?!?

Mother: And remember, the Lord loves a working man.
Navin: Lord loves a working man.
Father: And son, don’t never, ever trust whitey.
Navin: Don’t trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man, don’t trust whitey.

Navin: I’m hitchhiking.
Driver: Where are you going?
Navin: St. Louis. How far are you going?
Driver: To the end of this fence.
Navin: Okay.(he gets in the truck) I’m Navin Johnson. What’s your name sir?
Driver: Here we are!
Navin: Okay, thanks for the company. I hope I can repay you someday.

Navin: The new phone book’s here! The new phone book’s here!
Harry: Well I wish I could get so excited about nothing.
Navin: Nothing? Are you kidding?! Page 73, Johnson, Navin, R.! I’m somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, you’re name in print, that makes people. I’m in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.

Navin: He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!

Carnival Rube: Hey honey, let’s see how good this guy is. What’d I win?
Navin: Uh, anything in this general area right in here. Anything below the stereo and on this side of the bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtrays and the thimble. Anything in this three inches right in here in this area. That includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.

Navin: Gosh! You have my last name tattooed right there under the j’s! First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass! You know, I bet more people see that than the phone book.

Navin: You know, while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube, and right up against your lips and give you a kiss.
Marie: Why didn’t you?
Navin: I didn’t want to get spit on me.

Navin: Honey, guess what – I wrote a song for you this morning.
(Navin is singing)
I’m picking out a thermos for you.
Not an ordinary thermos for you.
But the extra best thermos that you can buy,
With vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in!
I’m picking out a thermos for you,
And maybe a barometer too,
And what else can I buy so on me you’ll rely,
A rear end thermometer too.

Navin: He doesn’t realise he’s dealing with sophisticated people here. Marie, now just stay calm. Stay calm. Don’t look down, don’t look down! Look up! Just keep your eyes up and keep them that way, o.k.! Waiter there are snails on her plate. Now get them out of here before she sees them! Look away, just look away, keep your eyes that way! You would think that in a fancy restaurant at these prices you could keep the snails off the food! There are so many snails there you can’t even see the food! Now take those away and bring us those melted cheese sandwich appetizers you talked me out of!

Waiter: Would monsieur care for another bottle of Chateau Latour?
Navin: Ah yes, but no more 1966. Lets splurge! Bring us some fresh wine! The freshest you’ve got – this year! No more of this old stuff.

Well I’m gonna to go then. And I don’t need any of this. I don’t need this stuff, and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything except this. And that’s it and that’s the only thing I need, is this. I don’t need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that’s all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that’s all I need. And that’s all I need too. I don’t need one other thing, not one – I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that’s all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.

Navin: It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child.