Oscar Madison: Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I’ll call your wife and tell her you’re in Central Park wearing a dress.
Felix Ungar: I’m a neurotic nut, but you’re crazy!
Oscar Madison: Look at this. You’re the only man in the world with clenched hair.
Roy: His fridge had been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn’t in the bottle!
Oscar Madison: You want… uh… brown sandwiches… or green sandwiches?
Murray: What’s the green?
Oscar Madison: It’s either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray: I’ll take the brown.
Felix Ungar: In other words, you’re saying you want me to leave?
Oscar Madison: Not in other words! Those are the perfect words!
Oscar: I hate little notes on my pillow. Like this morning. ‘We’re all out of cornflakes. F.U.’ It took me three hours to figure out that ‘F.U.’ was Felix Unger. It’s not your fault, Felix. It’s a rotten combination.
Murray: A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
Oscar Madison: Felix, the nut, that’s who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.
Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya?! We don’t even know what kind!
Murray: What difference does it make?! He took a whole bottle!
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!
Murray: For God’s sake, do something. Say something.
Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who’s crying in your bathroom?
Oscar Madison: Don’t point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.
Oscar Madison: I’m in for a quarter.
Murray: Aren’t you going to look at your cards first?
Oscar Madison: What for? I’m gonna bluff anyway.
Oscar Madison: Life goes on, even for those of us who are divorced, broke, and sloppy.
Oscar Madison: Don’t threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it’s not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.