Oscar: I hate little notes on my pillow. Like this morning. ‘We’re all out of cornflakes. F.U.’ It took me three hours to figure out that ‘F.U.’ was Felix Unger. It’s not your fault, Felix. It’s a rotten combination.

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Oscar Madison: Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I’ll call your wife and tell her you’re in Central Park wearing a dress.

Felix Ungar: I’m a neurotic nut, but you’re crazy!

Oscar Madison: Look at this. You’re the only man in the world with clenched hair.