Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya?! We don’t even know what kind!
Murray: What difference does it make?! He took a whole bottle!
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!

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Oscar Madison: Life goes on, even for those of us who are divorced, broke, and sloppy.

Oscar Madison: Don’t threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it’s not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.

Oscar Madison: Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I’ll call your wife and tell her you’re in Central Park wearing a dress.

Felix Ungar: I’m a neurotic nut, but you’re crazy!

Oscar Madison: Look at this. You’re the only man in the world with clenched hair.