Oscar Madison: Life goes on, even for those of us who are divorced, broke, and sloppy.
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Oscar Madison: You want… uh… brown sandwiches… or green sandwiches?
Murray: What’s the green?
Oscar Madison: It’s either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray: I’ll take the brown.
Felix Ungar: In other words, you’re saying you want me to leave?
Oscar Madison: Not in other words! Those are the perfect words!
Oscar: I hate little notes on my pillow. Like this morning. ‘We’re all out of cornflakes. F.U.’ It took me three hours to figure out that ‘F.U.’ was Felix Unger. It’s not your fault, Felix. It’s a rotten combination.
Murray: A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
Oscar Madison: Felix, the nut, that’s who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.
Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya?! We don’t even know what kind!
Murray: What difference does it make?! He took a whole bottle!
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!