Oscar Madison: Don’t threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it’s not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.

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Oscar Madison: Don’t point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.

Oscar Madison: I’m in for a quarter.
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Oscar Madison: What for? I’m gonna bluff anyway.

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Oscar Madison: Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I’ll call your wife and tell her you’re in Central Park wearing a dress.

Felix Ungar: I’m a neurotic nut, but you’re crazy!