Roy: His fridge had been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn’t in the bottle!

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Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya?! We don’t even know what kind!
Murray: What difference does it make?! He took a whole bottle!
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!

Murray: For God’s sake, do something. Say something.
Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who’s crying in your bathroom?

Oscar Madison: Don’t point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.

Oscar Madison: I’m in for a quarter.
Murray: Aren’t you going to look at your cards first?
Oscar Madison: What for? I’m gonna bluff anyway.

Oscar Madison: Life goes on, even for those of us who are divorced, broke, and sloppy.