Lloyd Chasseur: You know what mom? You know what I’m gonna get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross, so every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb up and nail yourself to it.

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Gus: I’m in hell. Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell.

Connie: We can’t open presents until midnight.
Gus: Why not?
Connie: Because it’s not Christmas until midnight.
Gus: Well, guess what? We’re changing the rules a little bit, okay? We’re going to open the presents now, not later, now. Why? Because we’re adults and we can open the presents whenever we want!

Connie: I have never heard of such a Christmas: sex, and drugs, and, and, and, and women being set on fire.

Caroline: How can we both be in the marriage and I’m miserable and you’re content?
Lloyd: Luck?

John Chasseur: Mom, the TV’s broken. What are we gonna do all night?
Connie Chasseur: Celebrate the birth of Christ!