Connie: We can’t open presents until midnight.
Gus: Why not?
Connie: Because it’s not Christmas until midnight.
Gus: Well, guess what? We’re changing the rules a little bit, okay? We’re going to open the presents now, not later, now. Why? Because we’re adults and we can open the presents whenever we want!

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Lloyd Chasseur: It wasn’t one bad review in one lousy magazine. It was the Restaurant Guide Book of New York. And, when the Restaurant Guide Book recommends you to Hindus looking for a fun night out of fasting, what did you expect me to do, change the menus?

Gus: Great, I just beat up Santa Claus.

Gus: You know what this family needs? A mute.

Gus: I’m in hell. Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell.

Connie: I have never heard of such a Christmas: sex, and drugs, and, and, and, and women being set on fire.