Garth: Benjamin is nobody’s friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.
Garth: “Who’s trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?” “I don’t know, but he better not.”
Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!
Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is “asphinctersayswhat”.
Arcade owner: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.
Wayne Campbell: I say puke. If you hurl and she comes back, she’s yours. If you blow chunks and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
Wayne Campbell: Hi. My name is Wayne Cambell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago—excellent! I have had plenty of Joe jobs, nothing I would call a career or anything. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets. Yes, I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. But I have this awesome cable access show, and I still know how to party. Ahh, the mirth-mobile.
Wayne Campbell: I mean, Led Zeppelin didn’t write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.
Garth: Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn’t die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?
Wayne Campbell: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year, It turned out I was just really bored.
Wayne, Garth: We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!
Wayne: Cassandra, I know I don’t have his looks, I know I don’t have his car, and I know that sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in the back of my jaw…
Cassandra: Just shut your yap, and get in the car!
Wayne: I do have one plan. (opens a door)
Garth:Whoa, what are you going to do with these guys!
Wayne: Nothing really, I just always wanted to open a door to a bunch of people who are getting trained like in James Bond movies.
Wayne: Am I supposed to just turn my back and leave, am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed say, it’s okay, I don’t mind, I don’t mind? Well I mind, I mind big time! And you know what the worst part of it all is? I never learned to read!
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne: Yes, everything except the reading part.