Wayne Campbell: I say puke. If you hurl and she comes back, she’s yours. If you blow chunks and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

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Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is “asphinctersayswhat”.
Arcade owner: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.

Wayne Campbell: Hi. My name is Wayne Cambell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago—excellent! I have had plenty of Joe jobs, nothing I would call a career or anything. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets. Yes, I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. But I have this awesome cable access show, and I still know how to party. Ahh, the mirth-mobile.

Wayne Campbell: I mean, Led Zeppelin didn’t write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Garth: Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn’t die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?

Wayne Campbell: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.