Wayne Campbell: Hi. My name is Wayne Cambell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago—excellent! I have had plenty of Joe jobs, nothing I would call a career or anything. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets. Yes, I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. But I have this awesome cable access show, and I still know how to party. Ahh, the mirth-mobile.

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Wayne: Am I supposed to just turn my back and leave, am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed say, it’s okay, I don’t mind, I don’t mind? Well I mind, I mind big time! And you know what the worst part of it all is? I never learned to read!
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne: Yes, everything except the reading part.

Garth: Benjamin is nobody’s friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.

Garth: “Who’s trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?” “I don’t know, but he better not.”

Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!