Garth: Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn’t die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?

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Wayne: Am I supposed to just turn my back and leave, am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed say, it’s okay, I don’t mind, I don’t mind? Well I mind, I mind big time! And you know what the worst part of it all is? I never learned to read!
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne: Yes, everything except the reading part.

Garth: Benjamin is nobody’s friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.

Garth: “Who’s trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?” “I don’t know, but he better not.”

Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!