Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year, It turned out I was just really bored.

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Garth: Benjamin is nobody’s friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.

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Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!

Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is “asphinctersayswhat”.
Arcade owner: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.

Wayne Campbell: I say puke. If you hurl and she comes back, she’s yours. If you blow chunks and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.