Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance.

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Sally Albright: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you!

Harry Burns: Had my dream again where I’m making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I’d nailed the compulsaries, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.

Sally: There’s this guy….
Harry: What does he look like?
Sally: I don’t know, he’s just kind of..faceless.
Harry: Okay, faceless guy.
Sally: He rips off my clothes.
Harry: And?
Sally: That’s it.
Harry: That’s it? Faceless guy rips off your clothes and that’s the sex fantasy you’ve been having since you were twelve?
Sally: Well, sometimes I vary it a little.
Harry: Which part?
Sally: What I’m wearing.

Harry Burns: You know, I have a theory that hieroglyphics are just an ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.

Harry: No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you are saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them too.