My name’s Ralph, and I’m a bad guy. Uh, let’s see…I’m nine feet tall, I weigh six hundred and forty three pounds, got a bit of a temper on me. My passion level’s very near the surface, I guess, not gonna lie. Anyhoo, what else, uh… I’m a wrecker. I wreck things, professionally. I mean, I’m very good at what I do. Probably the best I know. Thing is, fixing’s the name of the game. Literally. Fix-It Felix Jr. So yeah, naturally, the guy with the name Fix-It Felix is the good guy. He’s nice enough as good guys go. Definitely fixes stuff really well. But, uh, if you got a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be? If he was a regular contractor, carpenter guy, I guarantee you, you will not be able to fix the damage that I do as quickly. When Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But, are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? To that, I say, ha! And no, there aren’t. For thirty years I have been doing this, and I have seen a lot of other games come and go, how sad. Think about those guys at Asteroids? Boom, gone. Centipede? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I’m very lucky. It’s just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job…when no one else seems to like you for doing it.

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Ralph: Thanks Satan.
Satan: Uh, it’s “Sah-teen”.

Ralph: Is there any way I could go with you to get one of those medals?
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Ralph: Does that mean maybe?

Gene: Let it never be said that I am not a man of my word. Here: the key to the penthouse. Enjoy it.
Ralph: Gene, wait! This isn’t what I wanted!
Gene: Well, what did you want, Ralph?
Ralph: I don’t know, I was just tired of living alone in the garbage.
Gene: Well, now you can live alone in the penthouse.

Calhoun: All right. Now listen up, ’cause I’m only gonna say this once. “Fear” is a four letter word, ladies. If you wanna go pee-pee in your big-boy slacks, keep it to yourself! It’s make-your-mamas-proud time!
Ralph: I love my mama!

The Villains at Bad-Anon: I’m bad, and that’s good. I will never be good, and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be than me.