I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
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Daryl: Keep drinking, little man. I wanna see how red your face can get.
Det. Mike Kellerman: There’s no absolutes in life; only in vodka.
Patsy: The last mosquito that bit me had to book in to the Betty Ford clinic.
Lister: We’re on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat: Hey, it’s not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It’s the policewoman’s helmet and the suspenders that I don’t understand!
Rhett Butler: I’m very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this evening’s over.
Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.
Clarence: I’ll have a flaming rum punch!
Dan Rydell: Come with us.
Casey McCall: Where?
Dan Rydell: El Perro Fumando.
Casey McCall: “The Smoking Dog”?
Dan Rydell: Yes.
Casey McCall: Why?
Dan Rydell: If you wear something blue, you get two dollars off a giant blue margarita.
Casey McCall: You know, I make a pretty good living. I can actually afford to wear what I want and pay full price.
Dan Rydell: I’m not promoting the economic upside as much as I am the opportunity to drink something giant and blue.
Will: Yeah, I get that there are moments, small moments, infrequent moments, where I’m not the easiest guy to work with, but who the hell is?
Charlie: I am.
Will: Well, it helps that you’re drunk most of the time.
Charlie: It certainly does.
Bob: I don’t get that close to the glass until I’m on the floor.
Gwen: Boy, I didn’t know you could get that loaded.
Drunkeness is nothing else but a voluntary madness.
Marge: I’ll just have a coffee.
Australian Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No, Cof-fee.
Bartender: Be-er?
Marge: Coffee. C-O-…
Bartender: B-E…
Edina: Gin and tonic, sweetie?
Patsy: Ooh, gin and tonic!
There is no argument anywhere that alcohol makes us healthier. Plus, you have a drink, then your drink has a drink, and soon, you’re face first in a pile of french fries with cheese sauce.
Well, between Scotch and nothin’, I suppose I’d take Scotch. It’s the nearest thing to good moonshine I can find.
When I was younger I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
Cecile: This iced tea tastes funny.
Sebastian: It’s from Long Island.
Isaac Davis: I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
This quote is attributed / unsourced.
Kryten: My goodness, I do believe I’m drunk. I suddenly feel the need to strut my funky stuff!
Most of the confidence which I appear to feel, especially when influenced by noon wine, is only a pretense.