I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
Daryl: Keep drinking, little man. I wanna see how red your face can get.
Det. Mike Kellerman: There’s no absolutes in life; only in vodka.
Patsy: The last mosquito that bit me had to book in to the Betty Ford clinic.
Lister: We’re on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat: Hey, it’s not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It’s the policewoman’s helmet and the suspenders that I don’t understand!
Rhett Butler: I’m very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this evening’s over.
Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.
Clarence: I’ll have a flaming rum punch!
Dan Rydell: Come with us.
Casey McCall: Where?
Dan Rydell: El Perro Fumando.
Casey McCall: “The Smoking Dog”?
Dan Rydell: Yes.
Casey McCall: Why?
Dan Rydell: If you wear something blue, you get two dollars off a giant blue margarita.
Casey McCall: You know, I make a pretty good living. I can actually afford to wear what I want and pay full price.
Dan Rydell: I’m not promoting the economic upside as much as I am the opportunity to drink something giant and blue.
Will: Yeah, I get that there are moments, small moments, infrequent moments, where I’m not the easiest guy to work with, but who the hell is?
Charlie: I am.
Will: Well, it helps that you’re drunk most of the time.
Charlie: It certainly does.
Bob: I don’t get that close to the glass until I’m on the floor.
Gwen: Boy, I didn’t know you could get that loaded.
Drunkeness is nothing else but a voluntary madness.
Marge: I’ll just have a coffee.
Australian Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No, Cof-fee.
Marge: Coffee. C-O-…
Edina: Gin and tonic, sweetie?
Patsy: Ooh, gin and tonic!
There is no argument anywhere that alcohol makes us healthier. Plus, you have a drink, then your drink has a drink, and soon, you’re face first in a pile of french fries with cheese sauce.
Well, between Scotch and nothin’, I suppose I’d take Scotch. It’s the nearest thing to good moonshine I can find.
When I was younger I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
Cecile: This iced tea tastes funny.
Sebastian: It’s from Long Island.
Chandler: Well, my apartment’s not there anymore because I drank it.
Isaac Davis: I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
This quote is attributed / unsourced.
Kryten: My goodness, I do believe I’m drunk. I suddenly feel the need to strut my funky stuff!
Most of the confidence which I appear to feel, especially when influenced by noon wine, is only a pretense.
Nick: Hey look, mister, we serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast and we don’t need any characters around to give the joint atmosphere. Is that clear or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?