Andie: You know you’re talking like that just because I’m going out with Blane.
Duckie: His name is Blane? Oh! That’s a major appliance, that’s not a name!
Dave: I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I didn’t care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. …I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won’t happen.
Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
Leslie: One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy’s motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.
Carrie: Men in their forties are like the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle: tricky, complicated, and you’re never really sure you got the right answer.
Mac: Can I warn you about something? You’re a rich and famous person, and for that reason only, she may want to sleep with you.
Will: That didn’t sound like something that should come with a warning, that sounded like something that should come with balloons.
Mac: I loathe you right now.
Michael: Listen, Maxwell. You are a sensitive guy and you have available to you one of the top three seduction lines in history with “it’s gonna help me find my home planet”. And you’re refusing to use it. No guy is that sensitive. Use it.
Sheperd: I gotta get her flowers.
Sheperd: I broke our date. This is what men do.
Robin: It’s not what men do. I know no men who do that.
Lady Edith: So he slipped the hook.
Lady Mary: At least I’m not fishing with no bait.
Mrs. O’Brien: If she’s got a boyfriend, I’m a giraffe.
Dowager Countess: Your turn will come.
Lady Edith: Will it? Or am I to be the maiden aunt? Isn’t this what they do? Arrange presents for their prettier relations?
Dowager Countess: Don’t be defeatist dear, it’s terribly middle class.
Willow: It’s the non-relationship drink of choice. It’s not a date, it’s a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it’s hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but…
Cher: He does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?
Willow: When I’m with a boy I like I can’t say anything cool, or witty–or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
Isaac: I know my analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful that I got another analyst.
Phil: Hey, come in. You’re just in time to catch the end of the game. Come on, I’ll catch you up. OK, so that guy is the tying run – interesting story about him: he’s been stuck on second base forever, and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea – how are you and Haley doing?
Roy: Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?
Jim: Cute, sure.
Roy: Why don’t you get on that?
Jim: She’s not really my type.
Roy: What are you, gay?
Jim: Mmm… I don’t think so, nope.
Kevin: Well what is your type?
Jim: Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.
Roy: That is disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.
Watson: You don’t have a girlfriend then?
Holmes: Girlfriend? No, not really my area.
Watson: Alright… Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way.
Holmes: I know it’s fine.
Watson: So you got a boyfriend?
Once-ler: It’s a girl, isn’t it?
Ted: What? No!
Once-ler: Really? Because when a guy does something stupid once, well that’s because he’s a guy. But if he does the same stupid thing twice, that’s usually to impress some girl.