Edina: God, it’s a rather depressing thought, isn’t it, that you might live on after me. Hmmm…You? Is that how I’m going to be remembered, is it…what, through you?!
Saffie: Well, what do you want – a statue?
Saffie (Screaming): A great big, fat, ugly, armless statue??
Edina (agast): I’ve got arms. (flails arms around) I’ve got arms!!
Edina: Just do whatever you want.
Edina: But as your mother, I cannot be held responsible for your well-being.
Saffie: Ow! She burned me with her cigarette!
Patsy: The last mosquito that bit me had to book in to the Betty Ford clinic.
Edina: No, no..no grave for me, sweetie. I’m a Buddhist anyway. I want to be lain out on a rock in the middle of the Ganges, darling, and then just pecked by birds. I don’t want to end up as some drugged-up zombie in a hospital, alright?
Saffie: I thought that would appeal to you…
Photographer: I have to arrange catering for a movie that is shooting here.
Edina: What movie?
Photographer: ‘Life Of Jesus Christ: II’.
Edina: Oh – who is Jesus these days?
Photographer: Err…Charles Dance.
Patsy: She was so anally retentive she couldn’t sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.
Patsy: Well, what am I supposed to do if you die?
Edina: Get cabs!
Edina: Why is it that in the hottest countries in the world, they put their children in little woolly jumpers. You’d think Gap would have spotted the hole in the market…I mean, the whole population here is just crying out for good quality, reasonably priced Kid’s Casuals!
Patsy: Oh, shut up Eddie.
Eddie: I mean I was just trying to live my bloody life… you know, get from A to B and do a little shopping!….only to find, that in fact, life is controlled for me, by bits of bloody bloody buggery bits of paper! I mean, why can’t life just be a little bit easier for everybody, you know?
Edina: God, I hope you’re not inviting that bloody, bullocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken bastard, pig-dog man, are you?
Saffie: You could just say ‘Dad’.
Patsy: I really need a loo.
Edina: You’re so inhibited now…just go at the side of the bloody road, darling. I mean, the gutter’s alright for you in London, isn’t it? I mean, you’d go in a gutter at rush hour traffic in front of a whole party of your friends, but now you’re not going to dig a hole and just go here, now.
Eddie: The more I love myself, the more I will be loved.
Edina (showing off her art collection): This is a …sort of…corpse…in an open, oaken, oblong coffin…with a silk lining….It’s a dead body, Pats.
Patsy: Yeah, but is it art, Eddie?
Edina: No, sweetie, it’s my father.
Patsy: Are you sure?!?
Edina: …I think so. I’ve never seen him in a suit before.
Saffie: Well, make up your minds. One minute they’re scum and the next minute you’re giving them lunch and pouring booze down their throats in the great name of PR.
Edina: Booze?? Booze, darling? Is that what they’re calling it down at the Uni bar – Booze, sweetie, is it? Will you be popping in there after a hard day’s lecture for some “Half a pint of shandy booze“? And some pork scracklings?
Eddie: Inside of me there is a thin person screaming to get out.
June: Just the one, dear?
Patsy: Well…you know the other day when you said you might die?
Edina: Yeah, well I might not be now…I’m looking into it.
Patsy: Ah, well. Let them write what they want. I shall just rise above it, I shan’t let this thing….affect me…(stares hard at newspaper) Bastard! No! No! No!
Edina: What, sweetie, what? (looking at paper) “Close sources say…”
Patsy: No, further down…
Edina (reading): …”that Patsy is (gasp)…Fourty-Seven?!?”
Patsy (wailing): Aaaaaggh!! I’ll SUE!
Saffie: Well, how old is she?
Patsy: I’m Thirty-Nine!
Saffie: And I’m an ovum.
Eddie: I suppose I could just go through the motions, wouldn’t you like that Justin? It would be-
Eddie and Justin (in chorus): ‘just like our marriage’.
Patsy (through loud industrial music, fog and lights): You want some ecstacy, Eddie?
Edina: Are you mad, darling? No one is taking that any more. I mean, people are being dragged from raves bleeding from every orifice.
Patsy: No, but…this isn’t a Rave, it’s a Happening.
Edina: Don’t force me to take it, Pats. I promised Saffie that I wouldn’t, darling.
Patsy: Yeah…but she’ll never find out. Anyway, she doesn’t scare me!
Saffie: (throwing open Edina’s bedroom door) Mom! KEEP the noise down!
Eddie: The 70’s are back!
Grans: Oh, does that mean you’ll be voting into labour again?
Saffie: A bit early for her, isn’t it?
Eddie: Well, darling, she’s been low recently.
Saffie: Low? She’d get vertigo in a sewer.
Edina: Oh, get that look off your face. I’ve got enough stuff in here you can borrow.
Saffie: I’d rather wear a yashmak.
Edina: That can be arranged.
Patsy: Eddie…what are you wearing?
Eddie: It’s a La Croix Sweetie!
Patsy: It’s fabulous!
Edina: Bubble, what do you do darling?
Bubble: I don’t know. Get Paid.
Eddie: Sweetie, we dragged these people screaming into the 20th Century. We gave them all the mod-cons, darling. We gave them the non-squat toilet… toilet tissue, darling. I mean, how do you think they used to wipe their bottoms before we came along?
Patsy: Old bits of hoof.