Ally: You only die once!
Richard Fish: Let me tell you something. I didn’t become a lawyer because I like the law; the law sucks. It’s boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he’s worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry? Yeah, we can do that.
Elaine: I’m sure she is quite stupid and in time, gravity will get her.
Ally: I have a way with Freudian slips.
Stephanie: So do I. I’m wearing one.
Richard: On sex and sexual harrassment, women don’t see straight. Women as a rule hate other pretty women. Women as a rule also sympathize with other women victims because they are women. Women want other women to be destroyed, but as women they don’t want to be the destroyer themselves.
Ally: When guys are persistent, it’s romantic, they make movies about that. If it’s a woman, then they cast Glenn Close.
Elaine: In a pinch, I sometimes allude to not wearing any underwear.
Ally: I won’t be in that pinch.
Angela: Sometimes when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.
Elaine: She’s two-thirds of a Rice Krispie Treat. She’s already snapped, and crackled, and she’s ready for the final pop.
Richard: Personally, I hate sexual harassment laws. The original force behind them were disgruntled lesbians who felt they were not given the same opportunities – along with ugly women, who were jealous of pretty women who got all the breaks in the work force. My cause to action is simple, women are victims. They need special help. Look, at the evolution of these sexual harassment laws. What we are really saying is women really should qualify under the Federal Disablity Act. They are less able. They cannot cope with romance in the office. They cannot contend with having to do a job and have a man smile at them. It is too much. Look where we use to be, first quid pro quo, then hostile environment, and now Seinfeld episodes. Women can’t take it; they bruise too easily. The laws are here to protect the weak and most vulnerable in society. She is woman, protect her!
Ally: Law and love are the same – romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection.
Richard: You look fabulous.
Ally: I know, I just got fired for it.
Ally: That’s the thing about me. I make all my clients forget about all their troubles by giving them bigger ones.
Billy: Did you fiddle with my wife’s wattle?
Richard: What’s inside doesn’t count, it’s how they look. Fishism.
Ally: I’m trying to desensitize myself to murder so I can be a better lawyer.
Billy: Why don’t you just watch the news?
Ally (to a stranger who bumped into her): Hey, no don’t say you’re sorry when you’re not sorry, you didn’t even look up and see who you bumped into. What if I was an old lady? I could have fallen down and broken a hip. I could be lying on my back in some HMO, my lungs filling up with phlegm till I’m on life support draining my family of every last cent of their inheritance while I, I asphyxiate on my own dried mucous, no don’t say you’re sorry when you’re not sorry.
Ally: You might think there’s an explanation, but you’d be wrong.
John: Would people PLEASE stop throwing shoes at me?!
Richard: Unisex studies show it helps men and women employees breed familiarity, so long as they don’t come in to just breed.
Richard Fish: You’re not who you are, you’re only what other people think you are. Fishism.
Richard: Love- you can’t bank on it… it’s an unsafe bridge. The only thing you can bring to the bank? Money.
Richard: Helping people is never more rewarding especially if it’s in your own self-interest.
Harry: You can’t win the raffle if you don’t at least buy a ticket.
Renee: Snow White. Cinderella. All about gettin’ a guy. Being saved by the guy. Today it’s Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about gettin’ a guy.
Ally: So basically we’re screwed up because of…