Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Quotations

Mayor Wilkins: I have two words that are going to make all your troubles go away. “Miniature.” “Golf.”

Enemies

Willow (looking at Xander’s fake ID): I don’t believe this is entirely on the up and up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow: Looking at it.

Willow: Buff, I’m storming off. It doesn’t really work if you come with me.

Willow: Okay, your name is Cordelia, you’re not a cat, you’re in high school, and we’re your friends. Well, sort of.
Cordelia: That’s nice, Willow. And you went mental when?

Buffy: So then Kathy’s like, ‘It’s share-time.’ And I’m like, ‘Oh yeah? Share this!’
Oz: So either you hit her or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn’t do either, actually. But she deserved it, don’t ya think?
Oz: Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.

Willow: I’ve seen honest faces before. They usually come attached to liars.

Buffy: A Twinkie! That’s his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.
Willow: Everyone’s getting spanked but me.

Angel: I saw you before you became a slayer.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I watched you and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps and I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: Cause I could see your heart. You held it out before you for everyone to see, and I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe, to warm it with my own.
Buffy: That’s beautiful…or taken literally incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that too.

Willow: When I’m with a boy I like I can’t say anything cool, or witty–or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.

Giles: I can’t believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn’t know it was evil.
Giles: You knew it was beer.
Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. ‘I spent the sixties in an electric-kool-aid-funky-Satan groove.’
Giles: It was the early seventies and you should know better.

Xander: I’m not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you now. But don’t think I don’t have it. Oh yes, it’s time will come!

Xander: Giles lived for school. He’s actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, ‘There should be more math. This could be mathier.’

Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.

Fear, Itself

Willow: If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody’s friend. Have fun!

Giles: We can’t let you go until we’re sure that you’re impotent or –
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you’re…
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy!
Buffy: Giles help! He’s gonna scold me!

Buffy: What are you doing here?
Angel: It’s a dangerous time you know, with faith.
Buffy: Yeah Faith, she well, Faith what can you say about her.
Angel: I just wanted to make sure that you’re, you know, ok, that you’re safe.
Buffy: Well the fact that you’re right here, does this mean that Faith is around? Are you keeping me safe by tracking me or are you tracking her?
Angel: I’m tracking you.

Xander: I cannot stress enough how much I don’t have plans.

Josh: Halloween isn’t about thrills, chills, and funny costumes; it’s about getting laid.
Edward: Is there any holiday that’s not about getting laid?
Josh: Arbor Day.

Jack: What are you, retarded?
Xander: No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything.

The Zeppo

Xander: Ooh, gang, didja hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery and it’s my best day ever!

Buffy: Conjuring? Will, let’s be realistic here, okay? Your basic spells are usually only about 50-50.
Willow: Oh yeah? Well…so’s your face.
Buffy: What?

Riley: You don’t understand, I’m good at things. That’s what I do. I work hard, apply myself, get it done.
Willow: Well, you failed extremely well.

Xander: Just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of Love…okay, that was gross.

Something Blue

Buffy: I spend all my time in the dark here anyway, it’s not like I’d be at a game you know, with my friends where someone could see me in my new monster part.
Angel: Hey…I won’t let anything happen to you if I can help it, and no matter what I’ll love you even if you’re covered with slime.
Buffy: I liked everything until that part.

Buffy: I didn’t jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were.