Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Quotations

Willow: When I’m with a boy I like I can’t say anything cool, or witty–or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.

Giles: I can’t believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn’t know it was evil.
Giles: You knew it was beer.
Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. ‘I spent the sixties in an electric-kool-aid-funky-Satan groove.’
Giles: It was the early seventies and you should know better.

Xander: I’m not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you now. But don’t think I don’t have it. Oh yes, it’s time will come!

Xander: Giles lived for school. He’s actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, ‘There should be more math. This could be mathier.’

Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.

Fear, Itself

Willow: If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody’s friend. Have fun!

Giles: We can’t let you go until we’re sure that you’re impotent or –
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you’re…
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy!
Buffy: Giles help! He’s gonna scold me!

Buffy: What are you doing here?
Angel: It’s a dangerous time you know, with faith.
Buffy: Yeah Faith, she well, Faith what can you say about her.
Angel: I just wanted to make sure that you’re, you know, ok, that you’re safe.
Buffy: Well the fact that you’re right here, does this mean that Faith is around? Are you keeping me safe by tracking me or are you tracking her?
Angel: I’m tracking you.

Xander: I cannot stress enough how much I don’t have plans.

Josh: Halloween isn’t about thrills, chills, and funny costumes; it’s about getting laid.
Edward: Is there any holiday that’s not about getting laid?
Josh: Arbor Day.

Jack: What are you, retarded?
Xander: No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything.

The Zeppo

Xander: Ooh, gang, didja hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery and it’s my best day ever!

Buffy: Conjuring? Will, let’s be realistic here, okay? Your basic spells are usually only about 50-50.
Willow: Oh yeah? Well…so’s your face.
Buffy: What?

Riley: You don’t understand, I’m good at things. That’s what I do. I work hard, apply myself, get it done.
Willow: Well, you failed extremely well.

Xander: Just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of Love…okay, that was gross.

Something Blue

Buffy: I spend all my time in the dark here anyway, it’s not like I’d be at a game you know, with my friends where someone could see me in my new monster part.
Angel: Hey…I won’t let anything happen to you if I can help it, and no matter what I’ll love you even if you’re covered with slime.
Buffy: I liked everything until that part.

Buffy: I didn’t jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were.

Buffy: There’s no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
Willow: I think I’m gonna barf.
Buffy: Except that.

Buffy: Am I crazy?
Willow: Well, crazy is such a strong word.
Giles: Let’s not rule it out, though.

Graduation Day, Part 2

Faith: Every guy, from Manimal down to Mr. I-Love-The-English-Patient, has beast in him.

Beauty and the Beasts

Xander: Who’s the little fear demon? Come on, who’s the little fear demon?
Giles: Don’t taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it’s just…tacky.

Giles: Yes, always behind on terms. I’m still trying not to refer to you lot as ‘bloody colonials.’

Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.

Something Blue

Xander: We’re right behind you, only further back.

Xander: Aren’t you supposed to be drinking tea, anyway?
Giles: Tea is soothing, I wish to be tense.
Xander: Okay, but you’re destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here.