Do Not Adjust Your Set


If every day were Christmas day
By some fantastic trick
If every day were Christmas day
We’d all be bloomin’ SICK.

Eric: The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?

Terry: You know, every Christmas, I feel like a little child. But we always get turkey.

Chef Ivor Clarke: Ten shillings in sixpences, forty-two pounds in thruppences, and seven pence. It’s going to be a rather rich pudding, but who cares.

Michael: Here are some really exciting games you can play this Christmas. And first, from Terry, here is the A and B Game.
Terry: Well, all the guests are divided into two teams, A and B. And B are the winners. …Well, you CAN make it more complicated if you want to.

Michael: Here’s a viewer’s letter. It comes from Mrs. Margaret Forsdyke: “Since watching your program, I have become a new person. Yours sincerely, Mr. Arthur Vickers.”

Michael: I got three hundred and sixty Christmas cards! …And I’m not sending ANY of them until someone sends ME one.

Michael: Now here’s Denise to show you how to tell your friends’ fortunes.
Denise: Ask their bank managers.

Eric: Don’t forget, when you stir the Christmas pudding, make a wish.
Denise: I wish I didn’t have to stir this pudding.

Denise: This is a wonderful traditional Yuletide game. It’s called the Indian Ocean Game. Everybody sits round in a circle, and the first person to mention that the Indian Ocean is forty thousand fathoms deep, loses.

Eric: Bear in mind the simple rule, X squared to the power of two minus five over the seven point eight three times nineteen is approximately equal to the cube root of MCC squared divided by X minus a quarter of a third percent. Keep that in mind, and you can’t go very far wrong.

Eric: First of all, a big hello to all our viewers. Hello Mrs. Green, hello Mr. Green, hello Mum. I think that’s everyone.

Eric: Here’s a word for all of those who’ve been lucky enough to get away for Christmas.
Escaped Convict: Keep out of sight and don’t appear on television.