Dr. Harold Abbott: My daughter is dating a paroled addict.
Dr. Andrew Brown: My 16 year-old son is dating his 20 year old baby sitter.
Dr. Harold Abbott: Barkeep, two more.
Andy: Brittany, hand me that watch and step away from the door.
Brittany: Umm..(to the closet)abort… abort.
Andy: Oh, very subtle. (Andy opens the closet and sees Delia kissing Charlie inside) ABORT! ABORT!
Dr. Andrew Brown: You know, when your mother died, a thousand people said a thousand stupid things to me and I just wanted one of them to give me a reason not to die.
Dr. Andrew Brown: What is that out front?
Ephram: Doe. A deer. A female deer.
Amy: What exactly is going on between you and Collin? I mean, why are you being all buddy buddy with him?
Ephram: First of all, I’m not being all buddy buddy with anyone, all right? He approached me.
Amy: He did, why? I-I mean, why?
Ephram: I don’t know, maybe he thinks I’m pretty.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Now, if you choose not to respond to my parental authority, I should warn you, I have mind altering drugs in the other room and I’m not afraid to use them.
Ephram: Greetings tree, I am your sprinkler.
Dr. Andrew Brown: So have you heard? Everwood is now officially dope-free.
Ephram: Bright moved?
Dr. Andrew Brown: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, excellent choice, Delia.
Ephram: Don’t let her watch it.
Delia: Be quiet.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Am I missing something?
Ephram: Eight years of raising her. She can’t watch that movie, it upsets her.
Delia: It does not.
Ephram: Well, that is if you don’t count the screaming and nights on my floor.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Delia?
Delia: Well, it used to scare me, but it doesn’t anymore.
Ephram: Ah, that’s what she always says. Like a junkie begging for more smack.
Delia: I’m not a junkie, you’re a junkie.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Nobody’s a junkie in this house.
Ephram: I’d like to take a moment and point out that this is by far the weirdest restaurant we’ve ever been to, and we’re from New York City where we’re regularly served by drag queens named Frank.
Ephram: I wish you had died instead of mom.
Andy: Well I wish I had, too, you little bastard.