Family Guy

Quotations

Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn’t drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -… Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

Stewie Griffin: Look, I really don’t want to go to hell, but I can’t stop my nature. I’m just a hateful person.
Brian Griffin: You’re not hateful, you just need to control your anger. Like I do.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you mean by being sauced all day? Wait a minute! Of course! That’s it! If I’m drunk I’ll be calm and if I’m calm I’ll be nice, and if I’m nice then I won’t go to hell. Fix me a highball, I’m going to get good and tight!

Bryan: Your not getting the money.
Stewie: Oh you thought I wanted the money? How so very silly of you. Oh you’re silly, I like you, you’re silly.

Stewie: They saw my blueprints! What a grievous breach of security!

Mind over Murder

Lois Griffin: Peter. You’re bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c’mon, Lois, isn’t “bribe” just another word for “love”?

Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we’re due at Joe and Bonnie’s for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can’t we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I’m not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I’ll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

Stewie Griffin: Mm, Florida. Just think somewhere in this state right now Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.

Lois Griffin: Brian, you’re not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin: Uh, we-well, it’s a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin: “Don we now our gay apparel.”
Brian Griffin: Doesn’t get much gayer than this.

Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well… What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?
Mall Santa: Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?
Stewie Griffin: Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a ‘good boy?’ Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?
Mall Santa: OK, wrap it up, kid.
Stewie Griffin: All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be…”nice.”

Stewie Griffin: What the deuce?!

Stewie Griffin: Damn your estrogenical tyranny!