Ted: God I hate hospitals.
Dougal: Do you ever notice it’s usually sick people who end up in hospitals?

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More from Father Ted

Father Dougal: God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all.
Father Ted: No…no Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there.

Bishop Brennan: You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

The Plague

Niamh Conolly: The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin’ the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.
Father Ted: God almighty, she says that as if there’s something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?

Mrs Doyle: They were a bit obsessed with the old…S-E-X. God I’m glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it’s a dirty, filthy thing, isn’t it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Father Ted: Dougal! Have you been drinking?
Dougal: I have, Ted! I’ve been drinking like a mad eejit! Oh, wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Fintan) No I haven’t!