Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, “Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest”?
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Father Ted: Down with this sort of thing!
Dougal: Careful now!
Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal.
Father Ted: …OK, one last time. These are small… but the ones out there are far away. Small… far away…
Father Dougal: God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all.
Father Ted: No…no Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there.
Bishop Brennan: You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!
Niamh Conolly: The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin’ the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.
Father Ted: God almighty, she says that as if there’s something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?