Mal: Just once, I’d like things to go according to the gorram plan!

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Simon: I’m very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.

Wash: You brute.
Kaylee: Oh, sweetie, don’t feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He’s like a monster.
Mal: I’m not a monster!

Wash: What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical master of disguise?

Wash: Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun.

Book: He said, “Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals, speak on every subject, then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano’s edge, and on that day, you will finally meet the man.”
Simon: What if you don’t live by a volcano?
Book: I suspect he was being poetical.