Salesman: Tell you what. You buy this ship – treat her proper – she’ll be with you for the rest of your life.
Mal: I hear y’all took up arms in that little piece o’ action back there. How’re you faring with that, Doctor?
Simon: I don’t know. I, I never, never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I’m fair sure you haven’t shot anyone yet.
Jayne: I didn’t sign onto this crew ta take in the sights. We need coin!
Mal: Jayne! Your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.
Book: I’ve been out of the abbey two days, I’ve beaten a lawman senseless, I’ve fallen in with criminals. I watched the captain shoot the man I swore to protect. And I’m not even sure if I think he was wrong.
Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ’til you understand who’s in ruttin’ command here.
Sir Warrick: You didn’t have to wound that man.
Mal: Yeah, I know. It was just funny.
Gabriel Tam: Have you completely lost your mind?
Simon: Pretty nearly.
Gabriel Tam: We got the wave at the Friedlichs. I had to leave your mother at the dinner table!
Simon: I’m sorry, Dad. You know I would never have tried to save River’s life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk!
Wash: I wish I was somebody else right now, somebody not… married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky.
Mal: Let’s go get our wayward babes.
River: He looks better in red.
Mal: Everybody dies, Tracey. Someone’s carryin’ a bullet for you right now, doesn’t even know it. The trick is, die of old age before it finds you.
Mal: Been a long time since Patience shot me, and that was due to a perfectly legitimate conflict of interest. I got no grudge.
Mal: How come you didn’t turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn’t good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: Well, that’ll be an interesting day.
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.
Inara: Are you in pain?
Mal: Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know, right here.
Mal: They let us come, and they let us go. What kind of ident card gets us that kind of reception and send-off?
Book: I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God.
Mal: No, they don’t. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.
Zoe: If she can fly this thing, why just take the shuttle?
Wash: Maybe she likes shuttles. Some people juggle geese!
Jayne: Far as I see it, you people been given the shortest end of the stick ever been offered a human soul in this crap-hill ‘verse. But you took that end, and you… Well, you took it. And that’s – Well, I guess that’s somethin’.
Inara: So, do aliens live among us?
Kaylee: Yeah. One of them’s a doctor.
Zoe: First rule of battle, little one… don’t ever let them know where you are.
Mal: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo!
Zoe: Course, there’re other schools of thought.
Mal: Did you send word to Patience?
Wash: Ain’t heard back yet. Didn’t she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everybody’s makin’ a fuss.
Simon: I’m trying to put this as delicately as I can. How do I know you won’t kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don’t know me, son, so let me explain this to you once. If I ever kill you you’ll be awake. You’ll be facing me. And you’ll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: I had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you. Criminals and savages. Half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself. And you’re harboring known fugitives.
Mal: We’re still flying.
Simon: That’s not much.
Mal: It’s enough.
Mal: We’re not thieves. Well, we are thieves. Point is, we’re not takin’ what’s his. Now, we’ll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You explain that that’s best for everyone, okay?
Young River: We got outflanked by the independent squad, and we’re never gonna make it back to our platoon. We need to resort to cannibalism.
Young Simon: That was fast. Don’t we have rations or anything?
Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain’t we just?