Phoebe: See, he’s her lobster!
Chandler: Well, my apartment’s not there anymore because I drank it.
Chandler: Ok, lets focus something else. Beautiful eyes, nice nose, great smile, BIG HEAD BIG HEAD BIG HEAD!!!
Chandler: Handle’s my middle name. Well, actually, it’s the middle part of my first name.
Chandler: It’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare, and then charged me $32 to see it!
Ross: You’re over me? When were you, under me?
Chandler: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite–
Joey: That’s how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn’t that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!
Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
Joey: Oh, right. Okay, ducks is heads because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday party?
Rachel: Oh honey, please, no, I can’t get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean he’s going to be screwed up for a long time. And besides, you know, I don’t go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
Joey: Hi, here’s the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It’s white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh yeah, and there was a baby in it.
Chandler: My sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.
Monica: What does that mean?
Chandler: It means that my boys are too lazy to get off their Barca-Loungers, and your uterus is prepared to kill the ones who do.
Chandler: Is this the episode of Three’s Company where there’s a misunderstanding?
Chandler: All right, let’s get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.
Monica: Yeah. You!
Chandler: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don’t you?
Phoebe: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
Joey: Uh, look, Kay, listen, we need to talk, okay? Um, look, I like you – I really do. I like – I like you a lot, okay, but sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that, it feels like someone is hitting me with a very tiny, but very real, bat.
Phoebe: If you buy a mattress from Janice’s ex-husband, isn’t that like betraying Chandler?
Monica: Not at these prices!
Russ: You’re jealous because I’m a real doctor.
Ross: Hey, you’re a doctor of gums. That’s the smallest body part you can major in. It’s like day one, floss. Day two, here’s your diploma.
Monica: Do you really think the best reason to get married is becuase you’re sorry?
Chandler: Oh, no. The best reason to get married is pregnancy.
Joey: Just tell him Joey sent you. He’ll know what it means.
Chandler: Gee, I don’t know. Do you think he’ll be able to crack your code?
Ross: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Chandler: Well, I’m guessing he wants to do a little dance… ya know, make a little love… Well, pretty much get down tonight.
Mrs. Waltham (to Ross): We’re very sad that it didn’t work out between you and Emily, monkey. But I think you’re absolutely delicious.
Mr. Waltham: Excuse me. I’m standing right here.
Mrs. Waltham (to Mr. Waltham): Oh, yes, there you are.
Monica: Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I’m thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Rachel: You know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend, Joshua.
Joey: Yeah, right.
Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
Chandler: Oh, oh, yeah, and did he also say that some of the dialog is corny, and that he actually found it was funny, not sexy?
Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.
Rachel: Guess what, guess what!
Chandler: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they all recommend Trident?
Ross: Look, Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.
Chandler: Wax the door shut, we’re never leaving, ever.