Phoebe: If you buy a mattress from Janice’s ex-husband, isn’t that like betraying Chandler?
Monica: Not at these prices!

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Chandler: Handle’s my middle name. Well, actually, it’s the middle part of my first name.

Chandler: It’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare, and then charged me $32 to see it!

Chandler: Ok, lets focus something else. Beautiful eyes, nice nose, great smile, BIG HEAD BIG HEAD BIG HEAD!!!

Chandler: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite–
Ross: what?
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That’s how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn’t that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!

Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
Joey: Oh, right. Okay, ducks is heads because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday party?

The One with the Baby on the Bus