Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
Joey: Oh, right. Okay, ducks is heads because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday party?

The One with the Baby on the Bus

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Chandler: Handle’s my middle name. Well, actually, it’s the middle part of my first name.

Chandler: It’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare, and then charged me $32 to see it!

Ross: You’re over me? When were you, under me?

Chandler: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite–
Ross: what?
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That’s how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn’t that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!

Chandler: My sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.
Monica: What does that mean?
Chandler: It means that my boys are too lazy to get off their Barca-Loungers, and your uterus is prepared to kill the ones who do.