Alex Dunphy: Could you L a little less OL?
Mitchell Pritchett: Cam thinks that if he were straight, he and Julia Roberts would be dating.
Cameron Tucker: I met her once at an AIDS walk and we had a real connection.
Mitchell Pritchett: You handed her a bottle of water.
Cameron Tucker: Her hand lingered.
Mitchell Pritchett: Because you wouldn’t let go.
Cameron Tucker: She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.
Cameron: I do not pick her up early from preschool.
Mitchell: Lily, did daddy pick you up early from preschool?
Cameron: See? Case closed.
Lily: We didn’t go.
Mitchell: Case open.
Lily: We went shopping.
Cameron:All right, Lily.
Lily: We bought matchy hats.
Cameron: You’re going to your room.
Mitchell: You’re both going to her room.
Phil: It’s just one of those things we’ll never know, like what happened to the Titanic.
Claire: It hit an iceberg.
Hank: Okay, people, looks like we have a walker. Right now he is facing treacherous terrain, sudden drops, mountain lions, hungry bears… oh, and wolverines. That is if the hypothermia didn’t already get him.
Claire Dunphy: Why did we come here again?
Haley: Mom, don’t do it! She’ll be in the same class as I am! Why are you even taking second year math?
Alex: You’re a senior. Why are you still in second year math?
Haley: Not still, again.
Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, just to be clear: This is low key?
Cameron Tucker: It’s just a banner and some light musical accompaniment. I don’t have a lower key.
Cameron Tucker: I could so be a womanizer.
Mitchell Pritchett: Or you could be someone who just stepped out of a machine called the Womanizer.
Hank: You two are gonna take to the north hiking trail.
Haley Dunphy: Can I go with my dad instead?
Hank: Negative. I need Buffalo Phil and old-timer to check the Snake River.
Phil Dunphy: “Buffalo Phil”. Worth the wait.
Phil: Everyone throws up at school once in a while. If I had a nickel for every time I threw up in class, you know how much money I would have?
Luke: Thirty-five cents.
Phil: That’s right.
Luke Dunphy: Can you keep a secret?
Mitchell Pritchett: Well, I kept a pretty big one for twenty-two years.
Jay Pritchett: This salsa dancing, how hard is it to learn?
Manny Delgado: Not hard at all. It’s about tapping into your emotions, your passion, your inner fire.
Jay Pritchett: Crap.
Claire: Are those jazz dancing shoes?
Phil: Tightrope walking shoes. Got them on sale, only used once.
Claire: That’s not a ringing endorsement.
Haley: Her hand’s in the air, like, every five seconds, and she actually reminded Mr. Waters to assign homework. The class loved that. Do you know how embarrassed I was?
Alex: Not as embarrassed as I was when she said eight was a prime number.
Dylan: I’ve never been this far from home before. Now I’ve never been this far. Now I’ve never been this far.
Claire Dunphy: Where’s a cliff when you need one?
Luke Dunphy: No offense, dad, but I’ve seen you with a glue gun, and I think a nail would be harder to get out of my hair.
Cameron Tucker: You’re an amazing girl, Katie. You are the full package. I just prefer someone who has one.
Phil Dunphy: What was on my mind as I was walking that wire? I was thinking, if I can do this… then I have two ways to cross the yard.
Luke: I’ve been thinking of moving out for some time now. There’s a line of ants going to a trick-or-treat bag in my closet, and I don’t want to still be here when they get sick of candy.
Luke Dunphy: You can do it, dad! You’re making the impossible unimpossible!
Jay Pritchett: Usually, I say no to drugs, but I thought, just this once… and I figured, if I was going to make an ass of myself, at least I wouldn’t remember it.
Mitchell Pritchett: That drug I gave him? Baby aspirin, orange flavored. He could have chewed it.
Jay Pritchett: Rainbows. It’s just colors in the sky. Do we have to take a picture every time we see one?
Cameron: I’m fairly gay. I don’t know why I just said that. I’m totally gay. Just … gay.
Phil Dunphy: What’cha got there?
Claire Dunphy: These are supplies for the crafts table. I finally figured out what we’re gonna be making.
Phil Dunphy: Kids bored?