Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He’s a total flake. In fact, the only way he’s like Superman is that they both landed in this country illegally.

The Bicycle Thief (season 1, episode 2)

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Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don’t get hurt.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug…creates a tripping hazard…and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Coal Digger (season 1, episode 5)

Claire: Our son is not weird. What’s weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.

Coal Digger (season 1, episode 5)

Phil: Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it peerenting. I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, “What’s up sweat-hog?”

The Incident (season 1, episode 4)

Phil: I think concerts are rad. Hello, I was a hall-raiser!
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl – not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.

The Incident (season 1, episode 4)

Cameron: Mitchell’s mother has a problem with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

The Incident (season 1, episode 4)