Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He’s a total flake. In fact, the only way he’s like Superman is that they both landed in this country illegally.

The Bicycle Thief (season 1, episode 2)

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Gloria: I always wanted a daughter: to dress her up in pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter. But just for a few times, I didn’t want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died.

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Phil: Hey, come in. You’re just in time to catch the end of the game. Come on, I’ll catch you up. OK, so that guy is the tying run – interesting story about him: he’s been stuck on second base forever, and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea – how are you and Haley doing?

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Mitchell: Wow, paisley and pink? Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?

The Bicycle Thief (season 1, episode 2)

Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That’s it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

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Mitchell: Okay, yes. I guess I’m still a little angry, but you know–you stole my moment, Claire.
Claire: Yeah, 21 years ago…
Mitchell: Okay, but it doesn’t matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and…
Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.
Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

En Garde (season 1, episode 7)