Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, “I never liked you, get lost.”

Bill: You know what it’s like? It’s like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out.
Lisa: Ok…
Bill: Well how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she… french her daddy?

Dave Nelson: Look, it’s only a birthday present! It just means I’m glad you didn’t die partway through the year.

Bill: In the future, it might help if you located the source of your rage before you unleashed it on the world.

Jimmy: You poor misguided Canadian bastard.

Jimmy: James James, the man so nice they named him twice.

Lisa: What about that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting who had that crush on you?
Dave: Oh, that was completely different.
Lisa: Why?
Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he thought I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.
Lisa: Well, it was still flattering, wasn’t it?
Dave: Oh, lord yes.

Bill: Where you’re from, the biggest news story is that a cow got loose in the city.
Dave: I’m from Milwaukee, which has a population of about a million people.
Bill: So it must have been some hub-bub when that cow got loose.

Dave: Bill, haven’t you ever heard the expression, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?”
Bill: Dave, haven’t you ever heard the expression, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?”

Bill: Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and the family… Never really understood what that one meant, but it always stuck with me.

Jimmy: Thanks, Bill.
Bill: Thanks for what, Jim? Thanks for being man enough to bear up to the curse of my overpowering machismo?
Jimmy: Yeah. Thanks for that.
Bill: You’re welcome, my friend. You are welcome.

Jimmy: If I believed in fairy tales I never would have dropped out of kindergarten.

Lisa: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you?
Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they’d probably just get together and push me.

Matthew: Believe me, I have seen my dark side, and it is yucky.

Dave: Hey Bill, I’m your friend.
Bill: Oh yeah? Where were you last night at 3 A.M. when I was watching Steel Magnolias and crying my eyes out?

Dave: Mr. James, I didn’t see you come in.
Jimmy: Yeah, I like it that way. Like that magician…
Dave: David Copperfield?
Jimmy: No.
Dave: Siegfried?
Jimmy: No.
Dave: Roy?
Jimmy: That’s the one.

Jimmy: I wanted a house just like Xanadu, but without a dorky name.
Lisa: So what did you call it?
Jimmy: Fort Awesome.

Lisa: I want to have a baby. Immediately.
Dave: And I want to get married, at some unspecified time in the near future.

Bill: The eyes are the windows to the skull.
Dave: “Soul”.
Bill: For those who have one, yes.

Bill: You do realize by ‘gay’ I mean a man who has sex with other men?

Jimmy: Just remember, Dave, let it out…
Dave: Or sweat it out. Yes, I know, sir. I just love advice that rhymes.

Dave: You can’t just pluck someone off the street and put him on the air.
Bill: Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered?
Dave: That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered.
Bill: Don’t confuse me with the facts.

Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you’re saying is true, then… I still don’t care.

Joe: You can’t take something off the Internet. It’s like taking pee out of a swimming pool.

Lisa: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn’t mean you cut them out of your life.
Dave: Oh really? Isn’t that actually the definition of ending a relationship?