Lisa: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you?
Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they’d probably just get together and push me.

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Lisa: He won’t even admit that he’s jealous. That is the thing that just drives me crazy.
Beth: You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitch-cakes.
Lisa: Bitch-cakes?
Beth: I just made that up. Think it’s gonna catch on?

Bill: You know what it’s like? It’s like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out.
Lisa: Ok…
Bill: Well how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she… french her daddy?

Dave Nelson: Look, it’s only a birthday present! It just means I’m glad you didn’t die partway through the year.

Bill: In the future, it might help if you located the source of your rage before you unleashed it on the world.

Jimmy: You poor misguided Canadian bastard.