Lisa: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you?
Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they’d probably just get together and push me.

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Dave Nelson: Look, it’s only a birthday present! It just means I’m glad you didn’t die partway through the year.

Jimmy: James James, the man so nice they named him twice.

Jimmy: You poor misguided Canadian bastard.

Bill: Where you’re from, the biggest news story is that a cow got loose in the city.
Dave: I’m from Milwaukee, which has a population of about a million people.
Bill: So it must have been some hub-bub when that cow got loose.

Lisa: What about that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting who had that crush on you?
Dave: Oh, that was completely different.
Lisa: Why?
Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he thought I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.
Lisa: Well, it was still flattering, wasn’t it?
Dave: Oh, lord yes.