Lisa: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you?
Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they’d probably just get together and push me.

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Jimmy: Just remember, Dave, let it out…
Dave: Or sweat it out. Yes, I know, sir. I just love advice that rhymes.

Dave: You can’t just pluck someone off the street and put him on the air.
Bill: Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered?
Dave: That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered.
Bill: Don’t confuse me with the facts.

Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you’re saying is true, then… I still don’t care.

Joe: You can’t take something off the Internet. It’s like taking pee out of a swimming pool.

Lisa: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn’t mean you cut them out of your life.
Dave: Oh really? Isn’t that actually the definition of ending a relationship?