Lisa: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you?
Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they’d probably just get together and push me.

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Lisa: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn’t mean you cut them out of your life.
Dave: Oh really? Isn’t that actually the definition of ending a relationship?

Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, “I never liked you, get lost.”

Bill: You know what it’s like? It’s like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out.
Lisa: Ok…
Bill: Well how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she… french her daddy?

Bill: In the future, it might help if you located the source of your rage before you unleashed it on the world.

Dave Nelson: Look, it’s only a birthday present! It just means I’m glad you didn’t die partway through the year.