Lisa: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn’t mean you cut them out of your life.
Dave: Oh really? Isn’t that actually the definition of ending a relationship?

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Dave: Hey Bill, I’m your friend.
Bill: Oh yeah? Where were you last night at 3 A.M. when I was watching Steel Magnolias and crying my eyes out?

Lisa: I want to have a baby. Immediately.
Dave: And I want to get married, at some unspecified time in the near future.

Jimmy: I wanted a house just like Xanadu, but without a dorky name.
Lisa: So what did you call it?
Jimmy: Fort Awesome.

Bill: You do realize by ‘gay’ I mean a man who has sex with other men?

Bill: The eyes are the windows to the skull.
Dave: “Soul”.
Bill: For those who have one, yes.