Lisa: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn’t mean you cut them out of your life.
Dave: Oh really? Isn’t that actually the definition of ending a relationship?

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Jimmy: You poor misguided Canadian bastard.

Bill: Where you’re from, the biggest news story is that a cow got loose in the city.
Dave: I’m from Milwaukee, which has a population of about a million people.
Bill: So it must have been some hub-bub when that cow got loose.

Lisa: What about that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting who had that crush on you?
Dave: Oh, that was completely different.
Lisa: Why?
Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he thought I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.
Lisa: Well, it was still flattering, wasn’t it?
Dave: Oh, lord yes.

Bill: Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and the family… Never really understood what that one meant, but it always stuck with me.

Dave: Bill, haven’t you ever heard the expression, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?”
Bill: Dave, haven’t you ever heard the expression, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?”