Leslie Knope: I mean, that’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because nobody takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.
Greg: Are you crying?
Andy: I am not crying, okay? I’m allergic to jerks!
April: I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.
Raul: This is outrageous. Where are the armed men who come in to take the protestors away? Where are they? This kind of behavior is never tolerated in Baraqua. You shout like that they put you in jail. Right away. No trial, no nothing. Journalists, we have a special jail for journalists. You are stealing: right to jail. You are playing music too loud: right to jail, right away. Driving too fast: jail. Slow: jail. You are charging too high prices for sweaters, glasses: you right to jail. You undercook fish? Believe it or not, jail. You overcook chicken, also jail. Undercook, overcook. You make an appointment with the dentist and you don’t show up, believe it or not, jail, right away. We have the best patients in the world because of jail.
Leslie: One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy’s motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.
Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won’t happen.
Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
Tom: I had to call in a few favors. But if you don’t call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?
Dave: I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I didn’t care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. …I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
Ann: When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Ann: When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.
April: This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek’s boyfriend, Ben.
Leslie: Hey…oh…wait, sorry. What’s the situation?
April: What do you mean?
Leslie: How does this work?
April: Derek is gay but he’s straight for me, but he’s gay for Ben, and Ben’s really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.
Derek: It’s not that complicated.
Leslie: Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?
Tom: Yes. The statement was that you’re very lonely and you need a pet.
Mark: Hey Parks Department.
Ron: Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy’s better looking sister.
Beth: Nice to meet you.
Mark: Nice to meet you. You guys are together?
Ron: Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It’s like a fairy tale.
Beth: Tammy stinks.
Lawrence: Hey park lady! You suck.
Leslie: Hear that? He called me park lady.
Man: Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.
Mark: Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your support?
Man: Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool for the kids?
Mark: Oh, how old are your kids?
Man: No kids.
April: I’m gonna put him down as a “yes.”
Mark: Don’t do that.
Man: Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, y’know, I really can’t move again.
Mark: April, please stand behind me.
Ron: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.
Ron: I’ve been quite open about this around the office: I don’t want this parks department to build any parks because I don’t believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.
Leslie Knope: When I go through these doors, I need to be “on”, like the White House Press Secretary. Are you ready?
Tom Haverford: Yes.
Leslie Knope: OK! Here we go! It’s locked.
Leslie Knope: This is where the rubber of government meets the road of actual human beings.
Leslie Knope: I’m going to see my mom. She’s a big mucky-muck in the county school system. She’s my hero. How do I explain her? She’s as respected as Mother Theresa, she’s as powerful as Stalin, and she’s as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.
Leslie Knope: These people are members of the community that care about where they live. So what I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
Tom Haverford: Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll Up. She, one time, made out with the water delivery guy. In her office. On Halloween, she was dressed up as Batman. Not Batgirl – Batman. And I convinced her to go stop a crime that was going on outside. And it is my favorite thing in the world.
Leslie Knope: Sir? This is a children’s slide. You’re not allowed to sleep here.
Ron Swanson: This is my basketball court. I don’t want to see any double dribbles. I don’t want to see any three second violations.
Leslie Knope: Dream with me for a second, Ann: doesn’t this neighborhood deserve a first class park? Imagine a shiny new playground with a jungle gym, and swings, pool, tennis courts, volleyball courts, racquetball courts, basketball courts, regulation football field, we can put an amphitheater with ‘Shakespeare in the Park’…
Ann Perkins: It’s really not that big of a pit.
Leslie Knope: We can do some of those things.